Walking on Water-Poem

Walking On Water


She arrived in the world early
but on time for me
What a place she has found in life

Today she wears a swimming cap for comfort
it has to be soft pink for my
cinderella princess

My daughter flaps her hands
when the congregation sings
"Too Loud" is said uncomfortably
from her lips a pronouced frown appears
Hands held over the ears ever so tightly
I hold her close
and I kiss the top of her head
and pray for relief

On another day
My daughter spins endlessly
Head tilted up toward the sky
while other children play nearby
She loves the feel of fresh grass
under her feet
or so I believe

Yet another day:My daughter enjoys "solitary" play
while other children play games
My daughter stays silent
while other children spout shakesphere

My daughter walks on tiptoes
instead of water



Is it so difficult to walk on water?
I believe my daughter knows.


My daughter had a vaccine reaction
while the medical establishment
looked away in their "autistic " fashion
How can they be so unaware?
My eyes are set straight ahead
with determination and love
flowing through my veins


My child has been a wonderful teacher
But I want a different classrom
I want her to teach a different way
Anyone else wish for a transfer?


Angela Utley

Somewhere Out There-Poem when I found out what Athena had

Somewhere Out There


In a doctor's office the walls
are a frigid cool ice blue
Blue is relaxing
But the words are not.
Cold is the seat sticking to my legs
It is June and I had other plans than his


My child I have noticed is

"Different" from the rest


There have been vaccine reactions
She had seizures
I can handle that
She had odd behavior
and walked on tiptoes instead of water
Today I hear more of the same drone
I know this child, my child has "issues"
I relax and fall back into this chair


But whoops WHAT- new word.

AUTISM

"Your child has AUTISM"
What - I hear the droning continuing
Decreased body awareness, Poor muscle tone
Sensory Integration Therapy, Speech Therapy,
Occupational Therapy.
Is it me or is the room starting to spin?
So glad I am to have sat down.

Now he is smiling.
Why is he smiling?
He has just told me my daughter is going
to go through years of therapy.
Smiling still he stands
I am told smiling relaxes people
Let me tell you - It did not work
It made it worse.
The pit of my stomach is ever present at this moment.
My right hand squeezing the arm of the chair.
I hear myself asking
"What does this mean?"
"Will she grow out of it?"
"Are you sure?"

A period of silence
He is smiling again
And just between me and you
I bet he is still smiling today
as he tells another parent
"Your child has autism"

Somewhere out there a parent is
in a room with a child
It is a cool frigid ice blue room
It has a chair with arms on it
The right arm is a bit scratched
That parent is about to start a journey
All with a smile.

Angela Utley 2007

The Silent Visitor - Poem

The Silent Visitor


Our silent visitor
walks beside my daughter
he seems to breathe
distance between my daughter and I
How did he gain such control?

Did I give it away?
What do you do
with a guest that will not leave
Tears stain a silent face
Hands roll up into fists of rage
Muscles lock up
Rocking to and fro
he is still breathing
I reach for her
and she pulls away
No 911 for this tucked away
little girl of mine
I shake and tremble
Was it really a possibility
that love could be expressed

Through so many hours
of unrepressed therapy
"Play" for you readers
a diet at times that I could afford
Sensory Therapy, Occupational Therapy
Physical therapy and
of course Speech Therapy
Teaching signing to my child
How often I heard
"Is she Deaf?"

but through it all
I gave that silent visitor the boot
He comes back and lingers
sometimes
but I am closing that gap
between my daughter and I
with Love
and no one thinks she is deaf.
Angela May 2008

Excuse me, She's Autistic


In the store we wait in line
I and my cinderella girl of mine
She spins, twirls,
and her hands make gestures
All in her light blue cinderella gown
Other mothers are there
The glares have begun

Do they not know how precious she is?
How much love is contained in her little body?
Just twirling to get out?
My child is getting louder
shrill sounds pierce the air

The glares demand words

My declaration:
"Excuse me she's Autistic"
I smile

Faces relax -but the glares remain
We move up in line
why can't we in life
Somehow there has to be compromise
How I long for acceptance
for my cinderella girl of mine.

Angela Utley 2008

Sleeping beside me-A poem written on a sleepless Autism night-Do you relate at all?

Sleeping beside me


Sleeping beside me, my daughter slumbers
Her toes are pointed like a Balanchine dancer
I watch her breathing going up and down
A yellow patchwork quilt covers her -
Like the still waters of a pond

Approaching this sanctuary a coldness envelopes us
Someone is breathing- my heart pounds,
Cold breath on skin-Someone is beside us
My arm over my child as a shield over my heartbeat

Autism roars its voice

A stone has been thrown
Ripples disturb this peaceful pond,
this peaceful moment between Mother and Child
She violently jolts spine straight,
awakening screams pierce the air
Every muscle is taut with pain

Autism is breathing beside us

She clings to me- nails deep into my skin
Her ankles are hurting-
All she can say is Bugs bugs!
I massage her calfs where the muscle cramps are

It is 3 in the morning
Afraid to sleep she plays
Cinderella Twist in Time for the third time
She plays in the loose change
I want real change
She piles the loose coins on the floor puzzle
Then walking barefoot on tippy toes
Change spills like a waterfall everywhere
There will be other nights

But tonight we walk on tiptoes

Angela rewritten May 2008

April Raining

April Raining

It is three in the morning

Rain has been falling for hours
Thunder seizes my ears so loud
I cover my ears tightly
I must not let the rain inside my ears

It has been a wet, moist,
enriching April
My children love playing in the rain
Water is healing I am told
They are drenched complete
This rain breaks records
just like the one before it
I hear about it year after year
Record numbers

Puddles pile up one , two, three and even more
Pellets of rain overwhelm us-my daughters and I
This rain had a persistant toxic sting
as it pounds harshly through our cloths
Our skin is damp and moist
but no one seems to notice
My youngest child is numb from the cold,

speechless

Roads break up and disappear
My car's engine stalls,
flooded from the rain
I have to find other ways
hidden ways
secret ways
all for a cure

In my world of children
Autism is the rain
The numbers continue to climb
April rains and numbers surround us even in May


April is Autism Awareness Month
but the trigger was a toxic vaccine.
Angela May 2008

A few links that have been requested -

That's Funny She Doesn't Look Autistic -Poem I wrote on this reality we call autism

That's Funny She Doesn't Look Autistic



We are in line at the store

My child and I;I standing still

It is a cold fall Day
She wearing a blue Cinderella dress
My child spins circles over and over again
Loud noises and sounds spill out into the air
All the while on tiptoes
The stares have begun
Commanding me to move into action
The Declaration:Me

"Excuse me, My child has autism"

Silence
I am used to Silence
Curious Frowns
They turn the head a little to the side
Their Declaration
"That's funny she doesn't look Autistic"
I hear this phrase quite often
I Inhale - Deeply
I Responding:
"You know now that you mention it - She doesn't look autistic"
Going on: " She looks like a girl"


I explain to the curious frown
that evidently there had been a mistake made
It is the public opinion
that Autism has a look,
a demeanor, and sometimes a odor.

Something is indeed rotten,
but it is not my child.
Spinning to a audience of onlookers
my child is oblivious
I try to see the world as she sees it
If only the world could join
I like to teach the world to see
like my Athena does. . .


Angela 2007